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Three is the magic number | Exploring Threesomes

For many of us, threesomes feature in our top three sexual fantasies. Although it may sound hot to fall into a threesome with all the spontaneity of a dog on heat, here are a few things to consider first.


Partners Exploring a Threesome

What is the safest and most effective way to start a conversation with your partner*?

  • Face-to-face: approach the conversation with empathy and compassion, and plan a good chunk of uninterrupted time.
  • Written: write some questions together, complete independently, then read each other’s and discuss.
  • Education: explore books, articles and podcasts together. Afterwards, allocate time to go for a walk and discuss your thoughts.

Be clear on Why you want to explore a threesome. Is it to enhance your connection, or because something is lacking?

Be prepared to overtalk about it! Use different communication mediums, because people absorb information in different ways.

Talk to trusted friends about your plans, they may see other areas that you can then go back to your partner and discuss.

Accept that this is a journey, and not a destination. Try not to focus on a fixed end point. Talking about threesomes may be what is needed, with no further action. Watching threesome porn together. Role-playing threesomes. Writing a threesome scenario. All of these could be where the journey goes, so remain open and flexible.

Consider booking a couple coaching session to fully prepare. 

Don’t rush! It will happen when it is meant to happen. Keep checking in with each other, make sure you are both as ready (as you will ever be!)

Explore the impact of Couple Privilege. Because you have been focusing on your relationship solely, there will naturally be shared language, behaviours and practices. Tune in to how this may impact the third person. They are a human being and not a sex toy (unless that is part of their and your kink!) 

Solos Exploring a Threesome

You may be partnered or not, you may have slept independently with one or both parties or not. Think about the following (partners considering threesomes together may also like to work through these areas):

  1. What is your motivation for a threesome?
  2. What elements are part of your threesome fantasies, and how flexible are you on these? Do you want to wear a particular outfit or accessory? Maybe a playful harness and a fun dildo or use a specific toy on you, or on them? Like this Smart Lelo Wand. Remember to clean them between use, using a toy cleaning spray.
  3. What are your Boundaries? i.e., your absolute YES and absolute NO areas.
  4. Do you have any Rules? i.e., something that will have to be there, regardless of the wishes of the others in the threesome.
  5. Do you have any Agreements you want to discuss? i.e., conditions and parameters that all three of you want.

Safe Sex

Never assume that your definition of safe sex is also their definition, regardless of whether the other person is new to you, or you have known them for years. Tell them your definition. Ask them for their definition.

Share your sexual history, and ask for their sexual history. This may feel awkward, but it is necessary. To make an informed decision, details of STIs and recent tests (sexual health and Covid) should be shared. This is standard for everyone, regardless of sex, gender, sexuality and relationship design.

Anticipation is hot, and surprises can be jarring, so spend time messaging each other in a WhatsApp group about what toys you want to use. Unless surprises are part of the kink. For example, using rope and powerplay may be something you wish to explore.

Couples should check in with which toys are ok to share with others. Some people have a Guest Dildo for sex outside of their partnership. Check out the elegant and comfortable harness from Strap-On and dildo. Remember Lube is your friend, it shows consideration. Try a water based lubricant from Rocks Off

Make sure you clean your toys before, during and after. Remember fluid-bonding requires consent from all, so remain super-aware of where your hands and mouth go. Use an organic toy cleaner which is gentle on silicone. 

If relevant, have a conversation about mind-altering substances, including alcohol. Some people use them to set the mood and help them relax. Make sure they do not impair consent and safety.

Aftercare

During the threesome, programme in regular breaks. This allows time to check in, make sure everyone feels safe and comfortable, look out for shifts in mood and behaviour, and discuss what other sexploits you’d like to try. Afterwards, allocate a good chunk of time, potentially clothed, to allow the oxytocin to settle, cuddle, check in with everyone, gently transition out of the sex bubble and back into Life.

Make sure you have previously discussed what will happen at the end. This will depend on where you had the threesome. Perhaps it’s at the couple’s home, so does it feel ok with the third person to leave on their own? Or is it at the solo person’s home, and if so, maybe one of the pair stays for a bit longer.


If all this sounds like A LOT, it is! To optimize your pleasure, Communication (including discussing consent and safety) and Preparation (physical and psychological) are paramount. Enjoy the ride!

Check out eVulve’s video on threesomes, from our IG Live with Ali Hendry.


*Partner describes romantic partner, play partner, poly lover, ethically non-monogamous connection and all other relationship designs relevant to you.


Ali Hendry is a certified holistic relationship coach. She works with womxn in 1:1 and couple sessions, helping them build conscious relationships. She is the relationship columnist for DIVA Magazine, and presenter on Channel 5’s Lesbian Guide to Straight Sex. For a free 30-minute session to explore if coaching is for you book here: www.alihendry.co.uk/contact




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