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How to introduce a sex toy in your life

Regardless of whether you are choosing something for you, or for you and your partner*, think of it as something for you. Pleasure is a right, not a reward.

Questions to think about

Before you start browsing the website together, you may want to explore the following:
  1. Where are your erogenous zones, and how do you like to be touched? This helps determine which sex toy will work for you. For example, try a wand Vush Wand Vibrator, a G-spot vibrator Lelo Massager, or a clitoral vibrator Rocks off Vibrator. These can all be used on different parts of your body, so get creative! And look for toys that co-deliver pleasure to you and your partner simultaneously, such as the Satisfyer and Lelo.

  2. What are your views on giving and receiving? We have terms like top and bottom to help define what promotes pleasure. Often their enjoyment is our enjoyment. At times we may want to luxuriate in being taken and controlled, with full consent. By having a conversation about the psychology around giving and receiving, you create a more fulfilling sexual experience together.

  3. What intention will you set as you approach a conversation with your partner on sex toys? E.g., curiosity, compassion, excitement, wonder, enthusiasm.

  4. It is equally valuable to identify limiting intentions, e.g., dubiousness, fear, insecurity. Discuss these with your partner; vulnerability promotes intimacy.

Sharing ideas

When sharing ideas for sex toys, accessories and outfits with your partner, create a Response Code in advance, to outline whether a sex toy is a Yes, Maybe, No. Setting these personal boundaries is imperative when moving into this potentially vulnerable place. Highlighting these parameters is something you owe to yourself and to your partner, as it will help create a safe base to play. Send the website links via WhatsApp and wait for their response!

Also explore and discuss why you think this will be a good toy for you / your partner / your sex and intimacy. This helps you make the right choice. As the world opens up again, open up the possibilities in your sex life. Try an app enabled toy, like the Clitoral Stimulator and Kiiro. They allow stimulated activation from a distance. Your partner may be on a work trip while you stay home to feed the cats, baby, plants. As they sit in their bare hotel room, they encourage you to bare all, insert the toy, and have their wonderful-way with you – maybe while holding a video call together. Naughty and Nice just got connected cybersexually!

Dealing with a No

Firstly, put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Empathy improves connection. Be curious about where the No is coming from.

Then, make a decision to move forwards with compassion, respect and understanding. Because these areas will bring you closer together.

Acknowledging and actively respecting your partner’s wishes is an act of love.
And if you are the one saying No, explore where it is coming from. This will help you both achieve a sexy, passionate and mind-blowingly orgasmic YES!

*Partner describes romantic partner, play partner, poly lover, ethically non-monogamous connection and all other relationship designs relevant to you. You can also conceptualise Partner as relating to your experience with yourself.
Ali Hendry (she/her) is a certified holistic relationship coach. She is the relationship columnist for DIVA Magazine, and presenter on Channel 5’s Lesbian Guide to Straight Sex. For a free 30-minute session to explore if coaching is for you: www.alihendry.co.uk/contact 
Check out her tips on TikTok @alihendrycoaching.
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